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-   -   Another Joke Thread! (https://www.therangerstation.com/forums/showthread.php?t=123684)

nitrofan1 03-04-2012 05:35 PM

Another Joke Thread!
 
A cop is working 3rd shift. He decides to drive up to Lookout Point to see if any funny business is happening. Once he arrives he sees 1 car. He shuts the lights off and pulls behind the parked car. He gets out of his patrol car, slowly walks up to the parked car and notices a male in the driver's seat and a female in the back seat. Curious about what could be going he notices the male reading a magazine and the female knitting a sweater! He walks up to the window and wraps on the glass.

The driver rolls down the window and says "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing young man?"
"Why reading a Sports Illustrated Sir."
"And the girl in the back?"
"Why she's knitting a sweater isn't it obvious?"

Well this is the strangest situation the cop has come across in a long time. He decides to get to the bottom of it.

"Son, how old are you?"
"I am 21 Sir."
"And the girl?"
The boy looks at his watch and says "In 11 minutes she'll be 18."

super91(2.3) 03-04-2012 05:40 PM

repped

97RangerXLT 03-05-2012 12:44 AM

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'






Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

97RangerXLT 03-05-2012 12:45 AM

dammit, where is ratdog!?

AJ

chrmar 03-05-2012 08:02 AM

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

---
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

---
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And that's when the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Spitfire1975 03-05-2012 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrmar (Post 1201088)

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

Only 20?? Try 50.

scooter 03-05-2012 09:18 AM

My good jokes are kinda "racey". :-)


Todd S.

rtg143 03-05-2012 11:43 AM

˙uǝʞoɹq sı lıɐɯǝ ʎɯ ʞuıɥʇ ı żop ı plnoɥs ʇɐɥʍ ˙ʇɐɯɹoɟ ǝlqɐpɐǝɹ ɐ uı ʇxǝʇ ǝɥʇ ǝƃuɐɥɔ oʇ ʇoƃɹoɟ ɹoʇɐlsuɐɹʇ lıɐɯǝ ǝɥʇ ʇnq ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ uı ǝuoǝɯos ɯoɹɟ lıɐɯǝ uɐ ʇoƃ ʇsnɾ ı

rtg143 03-05-2012 11:44 AM

The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris,
France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently
studied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled
over to him. "Do you have something in mind?" she asked.

"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That's
why I want a nice gift."

crbnunit 03-05-2012 01:47 PM

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)


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