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Old 03-04-2012, 05:35 PM   #1
nitrofan1
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Default Another Joke Thread!

A cop is working 3rd shift. He decides to drive up to Lookout Point to see if any funny business is happening. Once he arrives he sees 1 car. He shuts the lights off and pulls behind the parked car. He gets out of his patrol car, slowly walks up to the parked car and notices a male in the driver's seat and a female in the back seat. Curious about what could be going he notices the male reading a magazine and the female knitting a sweater! He walks up to the window and wraps on the glass.

The driver rolls down the window and says "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing young man?"
"Why reading a Sports Illustrated Sir."
"And the girl in the back?"
"Why she's knitting a sweater isn't it obvious?"

Well this is the strangest situation the cop has come across in a long time. He decides to get to the bottom of it.

"Son, how old are you?"
"I am 21 Sir."
"And the girl?"
The boy looks at his watch and says "In 11 minutes she'll be 18."
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:40 PM   #2
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repped
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Remember on the prescription bottles how it said "Do not operate heavy machinery" Let's just pretend TRS is heavy machinery
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Old 03-05-2012, 12:44 AM   #3
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'






Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!"
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After a 5 year review of the work of automotive engineers I have determined that every last one of them is an atheist. Looking carefully at their work it is quite apparent that not a single one believes in intelligent design.
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I see a smartcar and I see the beginnings of an air conditioned lawn mower...

Just gotta wait for them to get cheap...
http://www.therangerstation.com/foru...ad.php?t=13474
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Old 03-05-2012, 12:45 AM   #4
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dammit, where is ratdog!?

AJ
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Originally Posted by soylent_green View Post
"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by adsm08 View Post
After a 5 year review of the work of automotive engineers I have determined that every last one of them is an atheist. Looking carefully at their work it is quite apparent that not a single one believes in intelligent design.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 85_Ranger4x4 View Post
I see a smartcar and I see the beginnings of an air conditioned lawn mower...

Just gotta wait for them to get cheap...
http://www.therangerstation.com/foru...ad.php?t=13474
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Old 03-05-2012, 08:02 AM   #5
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Default

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

---
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

---
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And that's when the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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Old 03-05-2012, 08:26 AM   #6
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Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
Only 20?? Try 50.
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Old 03-05-2012, 09:18 AM   #7
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My good jokes are kinda "racey". :-)


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Old 03-05-2012, 11:43 AM   #8
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˙uǝʞoɹq sı lıɐɯǝ ʎɯ ʞuıɥʇ ı ¿op ı plnoɥs ʇɐɥʍ ˙ʇɐɯɹoɟ ǝlqɐpɐǝɹ ɐ uı ʇxǝʇ ǝɥʇ ǝƃuɐɥɔ oʇ ʇoƃɹoɟ ɹoʇɐlsuɐɹʇ lıɐɯǝ ǝɥʇ ʇnq ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ uı ǝuoǝɯos ɯoɹɟ lıɐɯǝ uɐ ʇoƃ ʇsnɾ ı
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:44 AM   #9
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The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris,
France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently
studied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled
over to him. "Do you have something in mind?" she asked.

"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That's
why I want a nice gift."
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Old 03-07-2012, 02:10 PM   #10
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˙uǝʞoɹq sı lıɐɯǝ ʎɯ ʞuıɥʇ ı ¿op ı plnoɥs ʇɐɥʍ ˙ʇɐɯɹoɟ ǝlqɐpɐǝɹ ɐ uı ʇxǝʇ ǝɥʇ ǝƃuɐɥɔ oʇ ʇoƃɹoɟ ɹoʇɐlsuɐɹʇ lıɐɯǝ ǝɥʇ ʇnq ɐılɐɹʇsnɐ uı ǝuoǝɯos ɯoɹɟ lıɐɯǝ uɐ ʇoƃ ʇsnɾ ı
Control, alt and downarrow.


December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20 The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me, but why am I tied to the bed?
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Last edited by 85_Ranger4x4; 03-07-2012 at 02:55 PM.
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